This One's for the Hippies

This movie will succeed where that other sci-fi horror flick "An Inconvenient Truth" failed.



Why? Because it has a beloved celebrity, Leonardo DiCaprio. Seriously, that is the American's method of determining the truth, urgency, and validity of something: does it have someone famous in it? And is it because they're an actor or a singer? Then sumbuck, it's gotta be true.

So, I always hear this jibber jabber about global warming and how it's essentially this boogeyman in my closet waiting to sabotage my life: steal my children, rape my wife, and leave me inches from death in a ditch. It very well might be. I mean, they claim all of this is based on hard documented scientific evidence, who am I to doubt them?

But then on the other side, the "other side" being the bad guys should you subscribe to this global warming philosophy. Just keeping things straight for us. Y'know: accessible. But then on the other side, global warming is a big fat stupid stinking myth, which would sound ludicrous in light of the evidence provided by the good guys, except they also believe this because of all their crazy hard documented scientific evidence. Now, I'm no philosopher, but I play one on TV. I also took "Intro to Logic" my first year at Red Rocks. Granted, I kind of flirted with sleep in that class and didn't pay much attention, but one thing I do remember is that you can't have two mutually exclusive statements (such as stating A and NOT A) that are both true (in this case, global warming's gonna fuxxor you up big time, and global warming's a farce). FYI, there's a theory circulating that Antarctica just recently froze over because of this map and others like it. Like, recently as in the last 5-700 years. There's another map like this, only older, and viking I believe, but damn if it ain't harder to find.

Both sides stake their claim and hold their position while the rest of us, the everyday Joe, has to pick a side in this political jihad and hope to dear sweet baby Jesus (just born, 6 pounds, 9 ounces, his chubby little hand balled up into a fist holding his blanket) that we've picked the right side. If we were to be honest with ourselves, however, we would have to admit that we're just going on faith. We haven't conducted this science, very few of us have the resources to be able to, and even fewer ever will. We can recite the hidden mantras our various yogis, preachers, and imams (speaking pejoratively) have taught us, but ultimately, they're just little jingos we're taught when our side is under attack, but do nothing really, because for every jingo, there will be an anti-jingo.

My proposed solution?

Well, let me submit this before the panel and have them review it. Upon reviewing it, they can get back to me and let me know what they think. But I would submit that these two sides, the good side and the bad side, or the oppressor and the underdog, however you want to slice it. How about Truth and Big Tobacco? Because that's like reason and religion: natural enemies. I digress. I would submit that these two sides, the so called good guys and bad guys, democrats and republicans, get together TOGETHER, sit down, and figure this thing out. Compare the notes and come to a definitive answer. Then they, bearing this newly lighted truth of reason, can spread the flame and bring me, the average Joe, the fruitful forbearance of their long deliberation and reasoned consternation and tell me what it is I must do to stop this, or that I can stop worrying (not that I'm very prone to worrying). And then, and this is equally important, the two sides must apologize. Either the self proclaimed "good guys" (democrats) will apologize for being a bunch of nancies fidgeting nervously with their apron strings about the burglar in the house when really it's just their cat, or the dubbed (by the good guys) "bad guys" (republicans) will come out and say, "Look, we kept this from you because, well, honestly you average Joes are retarded, and we've seen the way you act, and honestly, we have a hard time telling if we're watching human beings engaged in commerce (the buying and selling of goods and services), romance, philosophy, religion, and politics... or if somehow we left the station tuned to animal planet and we've been watching a bunch of redass baboons fuxxor'in eachother up. Sorry for being douchebags."

If these two sides were to do this, I would loudly proclaim forth: "It's ok you nancies! You can't help that you've got that sand in your hoo hoo, but now that you've been forced to see your darker selves in the Mirror of Unmitigated Truth, fold up that apron, put away the ironing board, put on something fancy, and let's go to town! I'mma treat you to some McDonald's, for this night our worries are vanished!" To the other side I would proclaim: "I actually agree with you. Watching us from the ground level is a frustrating experience, and I often can't tell where the person ends and the computer begins (as I type my blog on the internet), or at what point we stop thinking with our wing wongs and vajayjays, and use our brains and our minds. That aside, you could have at least told me. You know I'm good for it."

And then perhaps America could stop being the land of idiots we've become, the people would regain their vision, and American society would experience a renaissance of startling brilliance. We'd see the truth of George Washington's words when he said that a two party system would destroy this country (shortly before registering as a Whig), and we would reach unprecedented heights, doing those things we wished and proclaiming boldly all the while.

I'm just kidding. Having two political parties that argue back and forth like bad parents rocks. Dad comes home smelling like beer, Mom disappears for a week at a time, they alternate blaming and claiming us. It's fun. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Especially a functional family metaphor.